Road to Freedom

Ahhh Fall....

Curling up with a blanket and a good movie, creamy soups, tasty desserts...all around laziness coupled with comfort food...

Perhaps it's the change of seasons..perhaps its the bouts pf sickness...all I know is I have not been motivated these past few weeks in my eating habits, workouts, and career.  My lack of desire, willpower, and strength has become quite a shock, so much so that I have kept the majority of it in secret.  What does it take to get on top of things?  I need to get motivated and I need some HELP!

So I am making a public declaration (to the 5 whole people who read this blog) to help with accountability and encouragement!  Now is a good time to cast your judgement when you see me fail--give me the ol' evil eye!  I have laid out my goals for the next 4 weeks--leading right up to Thanksgiving--and the details of this journey, so all can follow along and hold me accountable.

FOOD
- Drop to 17% body fat, drop to the 130s#
- Improve strength and time in workouts gearing up for competition season
- 5-6 TOUGH workouts a week followed by muscle strength shake
- Take supplements on a consistent basis

Protein:
- 12 blocks a day of lean poultry, fish, eggs

Carbohydrates:
- 9 blocks a day of veggies and low glycemic carbs (no carrots, beans, fruit, potatoes, starches)

Fat:
- NO MORE THAN 12 blocks of fat a day limited to healthy oils, avocado, nut butters (no nuts!)

NO: dairy, nonpaleo foods, starches, fruit, only limited alcohol

Daily Menu should looks as follows:
Bkfst: muscle gain shake with added fat & w/ sweet potato or banana POST morning workout
= 3P 3F 3C
Lunch: 3P 3F 3C paleo friendly meal
Snack: muscle gain shake with added fat and shot of esresso during work
= 3P 3F 0C
Dinner: 3P 3F 3C paleo friendly dinner

CAREER
Meet with Tim (the developer), Jud (the front man)
Gather stats (demographics, budget, forecast for housing) from the developers
Create my own guerilla style research survey
Gather professional data and create presentation/business model

Work enough shifts at Peche to create an income baseline

Here we go!  Who can't do something for 28 measly days!  It starts now! Time to get excited!

What I Know I Am

Look me in the eye
It’s okay if you’re scared- so am I
But we’re scared for different reasons
I’m scared of what I won’t become
You’re scared of what I could become
Look at me
I won’t let myself end where I started
I won’t let myself finish where I began
I know what is within me
Even if you can’t see it yet
Look me in the eyes
I have something more important than courage
I have patience
I will become what I know I am

These past two weeks I have experienced an epiphany of epic of proportions. I feel as if I’ve been freed. Freed to live. To explore. To pursue. To demand. I feel as if the doors have been opened and I am finally ready to walk through them. What brought on this epiphany? I realized that the life I was once offered here is not the one I want. So what am I still doing here? What is holding me back? Absolutely nothing. I WILL NOT let the fear make the decision for me. Fear of failure. Fear of being far away from the people I love. It is time for me to embrace the world, to find the life I was meant to live. To find my future. My future family. My future impact on the world. And I am ready now more than ever. Not only have I been given the power of capability, I have been given the confidence by those coaches who know the industry so well. “Lindsay, you’re so damn good. You’re ready.” The words every young budding artist is eager to hear. But the world has a way of pulling the rug out from underneath you, just to keep you on your toes, as if one final cruel gesture before you make that ultimate decision, just to see if you have what it takes to conquer. The second big lesson I learned is that no one, and I mean no one, can break my spirit. Go ahead and try. Push me down. Take away what I cherish. But don’t you dare stand in my fucking way. In the midst of my new found freedom, I was hurt. My spirits were broken and my trust was severed. And while I must stop to reflect, I realize that heartbreak, rejection, and simple kick you in the crotch luck is what I will be experiencing everyday in my new found freedom. Why? Because I have the choice. I have the choice and I have made the choice to grab the world by the balls and say “I dare you”. So I dare you. Break my spirits. Give me heartache. Turn my world upside down. Cause me doubt. Make me second guess myself. I’ll just be that much stronger. I will become what I know I am--- and no one will say otherwise.

You will see me in 6 months, NYC- mark my words.

Lindsay's "I'm Going to Hawaii in 9 Weeks So You Better Get Your Ass in Shape Challenge"

The Spartan Challenge is coming to a close in 6 days- it's been a good run.  I have PRed on 5 lifts and lost 1% body fat.
Overhead Squat: 125#
Back Squat: 180#
Shoulder Press: 85#
Clean and Jerk: 115#
Deadlift: 220#
I'm giving one solid muscle up a try at the end of the challenge, and I'm an inch away from the ground on strict handstand pushups.  I will be attempting these once more at the end of the challenge to see if I can accomplish that goal.  I've hit a good portion of my goals (I set about 30) so I consider these past 7 weeks a success!! 
Today I am taking a break and feeding my cravings, because tomorrow I start a new challenge. I will be visiting Hawaii in 8 or 9 weeks, and I am ready to lean out for that beach bum perfect body.  These next weeks will focus on body weight exercise, speed, skill, and less heavy lifting.
New Goals:
drop 5% body fat (down to 15%)
stay consistent with blocks/paleo
5-6 workouts a week
consistent with supplements
accomplish several HSPU
several muscle ups
decrease mile time to solid 9 min mile
perform dips with ease and no shoulder/neck pain
perfect pullups and pushups.
Also:
reassess job-find one that helps get me on my feet and build up my savings, even if it isn't the perfect job
research "out of the box" careers for the future (reference Lindsay's list of silly things that make me content)
save money to volunteer for a wildlife organization in another country
two auditions
slow down to enjoy the process, not forgetting to prioritize things that make me content
work with bella to drop 5 lbs, rehab che

Thanks to my team and Coach Crystal for carrying me through my goals!  On to the next!

Age Inappropriate?

For those of you who know me, you know that I am one big ball of anxiety and stress. You know that you will never see me drinking with friends at the local bar, you will never see me out at a restaurant on a Saturday night, you will never see me relaxing at the river on a hot day. For those of you who don't me...well you probably don't know me because I am never out with friends at the local bar, i am never out at a restaurant on a Saturday night, and I am never relaxing at the river on a hot day.

My therapist said something to me this week that nearly brought me to tears. She said that the life I lead is age inappropriate. I am not living the life a 26 year old should be living. Not only am I just a high stress person, it is actually inappropriate behavior for anyone my age and I realize how much damage I am actually doing to myself.  Now of course, there are people my age who work more hours than I do, who have better jobs than I do, who make more money than I do. She isn't really referring to those kinds of qualities. Instead, I have the weight and amount of stress of someone who is middle aged with a family and a mortgage and a low paying salary. I don't live the life of a young girl in her 20's who is FREE to do as she wants, to move around as she wants, to play as she wants. I don't date. I don't have a lot of friends. I live my life in such a hurry to be better than what I am and am so tied down that day to day life is miserable. Why is this? One reason is because I have such high ambitions- I so badly want to make it to the top that I am terrified I will fail if I don't attack it now.  I don't want to look back when I'm 40 and unsuccessful and think "man I wish I made better use of my time in my 20s."  I don't want to waste one minute of my career piddling around. Yet, real careers are hard to come by and I still don't have one. ironic for all that work I apparently put in, right? Another reason is I have soooo many diverse interests that I want to do EVERYTHING! Part of that is the ADD talking, part of that is the grueling schedule of the American society. But mostly I have prioritized everything to be just as of high importance as everything else....in reality, meaning I haven't prioritized a damn thing. These are all pressures I put on myself and have been for the last 5 years, if not my whole life in some respects.

But I don't know how to be anything different. I don't know how to not care, relax, and play. I don't know how to not worry that I may not make a fabulous career for myself and say "screw it" and go to the river instead. I don't know how to not care that my dog didn't get proper exercise for the day. I don't know how to not care when I eat poorly.

So let's look at all the things I place of utter most importance, all of my WANTS in order to be happy. I would be on a successful (meaning, progressive) path as a film actor. I would be going to auditions, booking some, not booking others. I would be paying dues, doing the grunt work, knowing that one day, I will receive a great opportunity. I would have the body to go with it (you can call me superficial, but to me it matters). The red carpet figure---- weight does play an important role in the career of an actor and dancer. I've never had that body, and I deserve to desire it. I would have opportunities to pick up and move if I desired to spend some time in Africa photographing wildlife or live in a more concentrated film community. I would have opportunities to float around to volunteer my time to work with wildlife and conservation. I would have a savvy home that is mine filled with my family of pets, where dinner parties would consistently take place. I would have a self sufficient job that I knew, if nothing else, I could make into a career if I needed. Why waste my time being a waitress when that will never get me anywhere in the long run. Heck, I would even take on hobbies such as rock climbing and aerial silks, and, would you believe, travel?!! Can I make all of these wants fit into the same life or are they too diverse?

When I look at the past 5 years, I know that I have made progress in some important directions. I know I am slowly chipping away at my dreams. But what good does it do if I don't enjoy the process? If I don't enjoy the journey? But, how do you get anything accomplished if you don't consistently work on the little things? When I look back at the last 5 years, I definitely remember some happy times, but I definitely feel sad. Sad that I didn't enjoy my early 20s. How can I make it that when I look back on the next 5 years, I will be satisfied? Seriously, I have no idea. My day-to-day schedule is so jam packed with things, I feel, are urgent and need to get done. It's not as simple as just "being less busy" or "cutting down your to-do list". Those are obvious solutions I have already tried. Do other people not have as many important things on their plate? Do they not have as many responsibilities? Or do they just know how to balance it better? Seriously, is there a secret no one told me about??

One year.  That's it.  One year. In one year I will make an evaluation.  Will I be moving to pursue an acting career or will I change directions to pursue wildlife conservation?  In one year I will have the body I want.  In one year I will be happy, fulfilled, and living an age appropriate life.  In one year, I will be making the salary worthy of my talent, age, and education.  Okay, now how do I make this happen without making each day dreadful?

4 week goal update

The last half of the Spartan Challenge has just begun- week 5.  Over these last 2 weeks I have accomplished a few more of my goals, and are on track to attaining the others. 
- PR in clean and jerk @ 115lbs (which I hit 4 weeks ahead of schedule!)
- PR on overhead squat at a surprising 125lbs!
- PR shoulder press at 80#
- PR back squat at 175# (hit my Spartan goal 3 weeks early- woop!)
- I have been running a steady 10 minute mile when taking on multi-mile runs.  I still need to try to get that mile down to 8 minutes. 
- My kipping pullups are looking much stronger, getting more of that push away and not just dropping.  Chest-to-bar is just around the corner.
- Lost 1 % body fat, which is disappointing at first, but most of it was in my legs which is great!  I have also been putting on strength fast which is probably why the body changes are moving very slowly.  It is nearly impossible to workout intensely, put on a lot of muscle mass, and lean out at the same time.  Mainly because your body requires so much protein to feed those muscles.  Crystal and I decided to spend the next 3 weeks taking down the protein and intensity and working on leaning out.  Let's hit some mad results these next 3 weeks!  Shooting for 18 % body fat!

In terms of hitting those career and personal goals.....lets just say it's easier to lost weight.  Yeah.  Sad.

2 Weeks Down: Goal Update

So I set several goals for the 7 week challenge in my fitness life, career, and personal.  We're on the last leg of week 2 and need to check in with myself on how my goals are coming along---

Back Squat: 160lb- 5lb PR! (goal: 175lb)
Shoulder Press: 75lb - 10lb PR! (goal: 85lb)
Mile Time: 10 min - 2 min PR! (goal: 9 min sustainable)
Career:
Auditions: 1 television audition (Goal: 2 any audition total)
Concierge: covering Concierge while she's out of town for 10 days (Goal: to assist Concierge full time)
Acting Process: discovered a weakness, rounding out my process to listen more intuitively instead of relying on the intellectual (Goal: discover a new thing about your process)

Made some good progress keeping these short term goals on track, and am further along in some areas than I would have thought. Quite nice. I challenge you to break down all of your goals to a daily or weekly plan so you can stay on track.

Funnily though, the only place I haven't achieved any of my goals is my personal life.  It's surprising how little attention I've given that area of my life.  Why?  Because my goals are to slow down- but as you can see by the goals I have accomplished above, it seems that I have actually sped up.  hmmmm how to do both?

F**** DO IT ALREADY LINDSAY!!!

Little steps.  Little steps everyday.  Stop missing your mark on those little steps.  You wonder why you aren't making progress?  It's those damn little steps you are forgetting.  So get it together and do it already!

May 8 was the start of the Spartan Challenge with CrossFit Central-- a 7 week intensive challenge- food logs, indoor class, PT, extra workouts, sleep log, workout log, water log, maximum weight, supplements, ripping hands, burning quads, the list goes on. Welcome to blood, sweat, and tears. 

We are well into our second week.  I don't feel great though.  What the heck?  On paper, my food log looks great.  I'm struggling to get all those extra workouts in a week but I'm busting my butt to find time.  Averaging 7 hours sleep, 3 Liters of water a day.  Supplements.  Sounds like I'm on track right?  But when I really listen to my body, I don't feel like the work is there.  Why?  Consistency.  What about those few supplements you missed that day..oh and two days later.  What about that shit load of chashews you had at work...oh and two days later. Since when is 4 blocks of protein, 6 blocks of fat, and 2 blocks of carbs considered Zone?  Oh right. Little steps that you're not taking.  If you're going to put in the effort, then freakin go all the way!  I hate to be Nike, but seriously, just do it already.  The fire has been lit.  The master plan has been layed out.  All you have to do is follow through.  And yes, those little bitty seemingly stupid things do matter.  In an earlier blog I list my goals for the next 7 weeks, 4 months, 1 year, and they are incredibly intense ones.  Some of my trainers have looked at me like "um, seriously??" and yeah, seriously.  So get on it.  Find that fire and use it EVERYDAY, ALL DAY.  No more pussying around.  You want to put on enough muscle mass to add 20 lbs to your deadlift PR in 7 weeks?  You want to lose 5% body fat in 7 weeks?  You want a muscle up in 7 weeks?  Then work on those ring dips every morning when you wake up.  Then work at that pull up push away every morning when you wake up.  Get your damn food on the scale. Do the work, do it all, and do it with maximum effort.

Grrrrr....now I'm angry....